anticipation

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway
And I wonder if I'm really with you now
Or just chasing after some finer day.

Anticipation, Anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting...

that song from carly simon has been going thru my head the last couple days. it's too bad she sold it to advertise catsup because it's a good tune.
how much of our lives is lived in the state of anticipation?

when is she going to get here
when is the damn phone going to ring
where is that list of medications
what is the dentist going to say
when will i find out if i got it
where will i get the money
how long is that garbage going to sit on that lawn over there
is he going to email me back
when is the check engine light going to go off
will i lose all my hair
can i make it to the airport on time
when am i going to do my taxes and get it over with
will that chicken thaw
can i find a parking space
how much is that going to cost
i don't want to do that at work please
when is it ever going to warm up
when will i be loved?

“I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened”
― Mark Twain

sometimes anticipation is a good thing. sometimes looking forward into the unknown extrapolating what will be there is better than what lurks there.
a trip for example. so excited about going to ——— ! i can't wait. only 3 more weeks. only 5 more days. what else should i pack? damn, can i make it to the airport on time. i just want to be at ———— !
i can't believe i actually got a date with ———— ! i can't believe it. i must be dreaming. i can't WAIT...

wow, it has been a whole year since i got back from ———— ! hmm, do i want to go back?
being with ———— was like camping in the drizzle without a tent, no paper and wet wood. i thought it would be all fire and music for sure!

the future. it does not exist except as a thought in the no. when it comes, it will be the now. life will be better in the future. i will be fulfilled in the future. i need to get out of this here and get THAT THEN to be happy.

thing is, this is all i ever have. this ever present NOW.

I'm no prophet and I don't know nature's ways
So I'll try and see into your eyes right now
And stay right here 'cause these are the good old days

(These are the good old days)

i had a dream

have you ever had a dream that was so real — not in the bad sense, that's another blog. but a dream that is so real that is is the essence of feeling or emotion?

usually sexual dreams are like that. sexual in the sense that the dream encounter is like eating concentrated frozen lemonade... you finally are with that person who fulfills your need/desire for this kind of contact. be it raw sex or emotional cuddles. you melt into the situation with your heart and soul.

but there are other dreams that fulfill other emotions...

some people go to hawaii and come back and say, "yeah, it was nice." some people when they leave feel like a molar is being pulled, a part of them is being severed.

i had a dream last night (not sexual sorry) that i was back in maui. i was with my friend that lives there. i was in a bungalow. dark. window shutters drawn. i was skeptical that it was maui but something inside said 'yes danno, it is maui!' my friend was outside calling me.

i opened the door and stepped out onto a covered lanai, shielded from the hot tropical sun. just a few feet away was an opening in a heavily vegetative area. i stepped into the bright sunlight and was terrified that if i looked up i wouldn't see the massive hulk of the ancient caldera Haleakalā, or see the Iao Valley Needle.


the sun was bright and hot, and as i looked up i saw no ancient eroded basalt lava cones. but i knew in my  heart that it was hawaii. my friend michael was at the edge of the clearing telling me so.  


the desire to be back in hawaii was so STRONG. i reached for my camera, i zoomed in on a boulder, looking for a sign that it was the black rugged ancient basalt strewn from the bowels of the earth 5 million  years ago.

i zoomed into the ever so faint grey smear of a dreary drizzle dawn oozing thru the skylight over my bed. i zoomed into wednesday, april 11, in the year 2012 of our lord jesus christ... well, i don't know if he's my lord. not the jesus that the politicians and the evangelists and the catholic church have conjured up to grab power and spew intolerance like molten magma. but that's another blog.

the gloom settled down over me... alas, i was wrenched away from my paradise again, back to new york state and the lake effect gloom that rises up from ontario like smoke from sauron's mordor to cover the mohawk valley.

a stirring at my side, a tiny yawn, and my toy yorkshire terriers huddled against my shins rose for a new day. darling creatures, they live in the now more than i ever can attain. but you can't attain something that is always and forever already a part of you.

but that's another blog.